Searching for LIFE

Here I am again disregarding myself and self imposed safety just to ignite reformation haissst I'm too addicted to this kind of self setup I tried to live in total safety but it does not really fits the ravaging lion inside of me who wants to take over when my cage is too small I'm pushed to the heights I can only long for the lows my only comfort is when pain and happiness mixed and I felt pleasure besides my feelings is fleeting and my memory fades easily: and recovers unscathed... It's thrilling... Fear and Excitement that shakes my core being, it won't be satisfied 'till I saw bloodshed...

 I just really want to plan what I could do before I leave this World... I'm not depressive I just don't want to suffer too much when I get old. I plan what I could do to make my life worthwhile but not focused too much in money. I loved many people but never learned to love myself. I see myself as a resource material to be molded, regulated, controlled and disposed.

I'm frustrated of myself because I could not keep my cool and my real attitude slip on my mask. I tried to be patient but I could not maintain composure my rough attitude still shown. I just could not conceal it specially under pressure and beyond exhaustion. I wish I could do better.

Seeing is believing but believing is seeing I want to believe there's hope to this world But I haven't seen what hope looks like looking in every eyes of every person is sad... they look as if they are living in a certain fantasy they do things they think is life I wish I can gouge my eyes and just stop seeing the world today is hopeless life full of emptiness a hearts full of holes no one or thing could ever feel darkness is crouching in every door and just waiting to devour oh life oh life what is your meaning oh life oh life should I stop searching or believing

If I will be given a choice to be born or not, I wish I haven't born. But now I'm existing so just need to deal with it! I don't have enough reason to lived but also don't have reason to die. I wish someone can heard my cry! I just want to love and be loved by someone, I want to see the sunrise of hope, But then after sunrise it sets and darkness come I'm tired of living, I'm tired of feeling empty I'm tired of going through cycles of joy to sadness, day to night, light and dark, life to death. Time is excruciating, waiting for it and living on it I don't want to do something bad but I'm too tired to do something good either I started to seek God but still I feel doomed Oh what should I do, I'm tired of trying Oh, I just want to have a temporary heaven in this temporary world!!!