Searching for LIFE

 I feel useless.

 I'm hiding so many things Too afraid to be caught I don't like it but I still do it It brings me relief over my fears I guess that depicts the idea of psychopathy because I for sure don't want to get in trouble Why am I obsessed with psychopaths? Because I envy them I want to not hve feelings Funny thing because I got mine but fleeting, sometimes there's triggers and I like how my heart cleanched and I can't seem to breathe I think I'm living a double life, I badly desire to be perfect, I'm pretty aware I don't want to go to hell But man I don't know why I feel like I'm restraining so much from turning evil Because I know for a fact I can't turn real bad but I'm really messy in my faith It pains me that  I have a lot of things already I don't seem to be happy Dang I'm so messed up and I feel caged

 I realized I've been a bad person I look to people who is I think above me then try to find their weaknesses and so I could look down onto them or level them on me.. soo bad  I'm despicable because whenever my pretty friend who is perfect on my sight is suffering I have the urge to add more suffering for her to suffer more 😢  I act like a villain watching or observing closely how a person having thus kind of certain bad attitude suffer from that attitude I also look ways or experiment things to see how to manipulate people subtly, I even use myself on that experiment I have a lot of cards to pull out in every situations, even my facial expressions were manufactured. It's like my responses were rehearsed and that it is only a combination of responses I copied from a lot of people I feel more when I put myself on uncertain or unpredictable situations - I only feel emotions normally randomly, It does not synch real time so I stopped trusting it already My laziness and unmo...

 This I learned so far in my life... The more I overcome my self (*weaknesses, sins) The more powerful I become The more patient I am on something I invested to, the longer I hold on to it the greater the reward or result came out to it Only show off when given a chance, don't give all your aces on one sitting 

 I'm awakened God always gives hints in me I could feel it to the bones its up to me to be stubborn and ignore it.. But man would I be the foolish man,  I don't want to regret when its all clear... The end is getting nearer its slow but its only a matter of time the world will reach its evils peak.. then there's a world-wide hunger for peace... Where do I want to be? I getting waves of fear its not about me anymore... I should turn away from the things I'm doing now! Or else something bad will happen to me!

 Got no filter... My mouth, my fingers I wish I could just cut it all off, but it's not really these that I have a problem with It's how my mind works... how it is wired is to ruin.. to make fun of everything I set my eyes on ... It's like a sport to me to come up with different things to play on things just to entertain myselff to please myself I'm  truly evil... that's why I want to challenge God if he could really change me But man am I soooi scared of pain 😫 Im such a big headed egoistic prideful human being...

Will someone ever love me? I ruined myself, I'm not pure Will I be punished? I think there's consequences for everything will there be a happy ending for little sociopaths like me...