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Twilight

 After I took escitalopgram for 6 months I feel like I got hard reset, I got strip down from my old self and now I feel like a functioning human being without much past memories. I feel like a different person, my Brain takes full control and now only take suggestions from the heart. BUT I don't feel comfortable ignoring my feelings - but its not safe for me now - because we are surviving. I want to keep fighting because if I stop - I think I might kms for real - because damnn - I'm trying not to hate - I promised I will not going to let anger slither again in my heart.  I got diagnosed of Anxiety Disorder, now I'm aware my brain is deleting my memories that causes my anxiety its my fight or flight response. I hate feeling this way, I want my PEACE back! Is this how it feels like to take all matters in my hand, I did not feel or have to focus in my problems when I'm hot in my faith. Lord... I'm cold now, I'm sorry, BUT I need help - I can't handle it anymore...
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 I feel useless.
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 I'm hiding so many things Too afraid to be caught I don't like it but I still do it It brings me relief over my fears I guess that depicts the idea of psychopathy because I for sure don't want to get in trouble Why am I obsessed with psychopaths? Because I envy them I want to not hve feelings Funny thing because I got mine but fleeting, sometimes there's triggers and I like how my heart cleanched and I can't seem to breathe I think I'm living a double life, I badly desire to be perfect, I'm pretty aware I don't want to go to hell But man I don't know why I feel like I'm restraining so much from turning evil Because I know for a fact I can't turn real bad but I'm really messy in my faith It pains me that  I have a lot of things already I don't seem to be happy Dang I'm so messed up and I feel caged
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 I realized I've been a bad person I look to people who is I think above me then try to find their weaknesses and so I could look down onto them or level them on me.. soo bad  I'm despicable because whenever my pretty friend who is perfect on my sight is suffering I have the urge to add more suffering for her to suffer more 😢  I act like a villain watching or observing closely how a person having thus kind of certain bad attitude suffer from that attitude I also look ways or experiment things to see how to manipulate people subtly, I even use myself on that experiment I have a lot of cards to pull out in every situations, even my facial expressions were manufactured. It's like my responses were rehearsed and that it is only a combination of responses I copied from a lot of people I feel more when I put myself on uncertain or unpredictable situations - I only feel emotions normally randomly, It does not synch real time so I stopped trusting it already My laziness and unmo...
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 This I learned so far in my life... The more I overcome my self (*weaknesses, sins) The more powerful I become The more patient I am on something I invested to, the longer I hold on to it the greater the reward or result came out to it Only show off when given a chance, don't give all your aces on one sitting 
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 I'm awakened God always gives hints in me I could feel it to the bones its up to me to be stubborn and ignore it.. But man would I be the foolish man,  I don't want to regret when its all clear... The end is getting nearer its slow but its only a matter of time the world will reach its evils peak.. then there's a world-wide hunger for peace... Where do I want to be? I getting waves of fear its not about me anymore... I should turn away from the things I'm doing now! Or else something bad will happen to me!
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 Got no filter... My mouth, my fingers I wish I could just cut it all off, but it's not really these that I have a problem with It's how my mind works... how it is wired is to ruin.. to make fun of everything I set my eyes on ... It's like a sport to me to come up with different things to play on things just to entertain myselff to please myself I'm  truly evil... that's why I want to challenge God if he could really change me But man am I soooi scared of pain 😫 Im such a big headed egoistic prideful human being...
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