I realized I've been a bad person

I look to people who is I think above me then try to find their weaknesses and so I could look down onto them or level them on me.. soo bad 

I'm despicable because whenever my pretty friend who is perfect on my sight is suffering I have the urge to add more suffering for her to suffer more 😢 

I act like a villain watching or observing closely how a person having thus kind of certain bad attitude suffer from that attitude

I also look ways or experiment things to see how to manipulate people subtly, I even use myself on that experiment

I have a lot of cards to pull out in every situations, even my facial expressions were manufactured. It's like my responses were rehearsed and that it is only a combination of responses I copied from a lot of people

I feel more when I put myself on uncertain or unpredictable situations - I only feel emotions normally randomly, It does not synch real time so I stopped trusting it already

My laziness and unmotivation is what I don't like with myself

You know what's holding me on turning dark? It's God He taught me to fear him and I praise Him for that 🙌

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

 I'm hiding so many things Too afraid to be caught I don't like it but I still do it It brings me relief over my fears I guess that depicts the idea of psychopathy because I for sure don't want to get in trouble Why am I obsessed with psychopaths? Because I envy them I want to not hve feelings Funny thing because I got mine but fleeting, sometimes there's triggers and I like how my heart cleanched and I can't seem to breathe I think I'm living a double life, I badly desire to be perfect, I'm pretty aware I don't want to go to hell But man I don't know why I feel like I'm restraining so much from turning evil Because I know for a fact I can't turn real bad but I'm really messy in my faith It pains me that  I have a lot of things already I don't seem to be happy Dang I'm so messed up and I feel caged
Read more
Here I am again disregarding myself and self imposed safety just to ignite reformation haissst I'm too addicted to this kind of self setup I tried to live in total safety but it does not really fits the ravaging lion inside of me who wants to take over when my cage is too small I'm pushed to the heights I can only long for the lows my only comfort is when pain and happiness mixed and I felt pleasure besides my feelings is fleeting and my memory fades easily: and recovers unscathed... It's thrilling... Fear and Excitement that shakes my core being, it won't be satisfied 'till I saw bloodshed...
Read more

Twilight

 After I took escitalopgram for 6 months I feel like I got hard reset, I got strip down from my old self and now I feel like a functioning human being without much past memories. I feel like a different person, my Brain takes full control and now only take suggestions from the heart. BUT I don't feel comfortable ignoring my feelings - but its not safe for me now - because we are surviving. I want to keep fighting because if I stop - I think I might kms for real - because damnn - I'm trying not to hate - I promised I will not going to let anger slither again in my heart.  I got diagnosed of Anxiety Disorder, now I'm aware my brain is deleting my memories that causes my anxiety its my fight or flight response. I hate feeling this way, I want my PEACE back! Is this how it feels like to take all matters in my hand, I did not feel or have to focus in my problems when I'm hot in my faith. Lord... I'm cold now, I'm sorry, BUT I need help - I can't handle it anymore...
Read more